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Axis of Evil

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the

new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

The Axis Pandemic

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join withUganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

***

What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything!"

***

Two friends are backpacking in Yosemite.

One morning, an angry grizzly emerges from the nearby woods and roars straight at them.

One guy sits down and starts putting his running shoes on.

The other fellow says: "It's no use! You'll never out run him!"

To which his friend replies: "I don't have to out-run him. I only have to out-run you."

***

ZEN INSIGHTS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20.) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you

need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

***

Moses died and went to heaven.

God greets him at The Pearly Gates.

"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.

"I could eat," Moses replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While partaking this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasant, pastries and wine.

Curious but deeply trusting, he remains silent.

The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal.

Again it's tuna and rye.

And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates.

Still he says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

He can no longer contain himself.

Meekly, he says:

"God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and rye, and in that 'other place' they all eat like kings and emperors! I just don't understand."

God sighs.

"Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it really pay to cook?"

***

Ya Ya Sisterhood

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are

eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day..

***

There's a terrible car wreck, and suddenly three nuns find themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter counsels the sisters saying: "It's good to see you my dears. However, I must inform you that earthly theology is a very imprecise discipline, and here on the other shore you must in addition to your heroic virtue answer a simple question about Scripture before you're admitted to eternal bliss. Suddenly the three nuns are very nervous, but Sister Mary Ann volunteers to go first. St. Peter says "Sister, what was written on the two tablets that Moses brought down from the mountain?" Well, Sister Mary Ann thinks this must be a trick question. It's too simple. Still, there's only one possible answer and so she says: "The ten commandments?" Da da da da da da! The Pearly Gates swing wide and Sister May Ann strolls to her heavenly reward. Next, St. Peter poses a question to Sister Mary Frances: "What was the name of the town where Jesus was born?" Sister can't believe her good luck and shoots back: "Bethlehem." Da da da da da da! The Pearly Gates swing wide and Sister May Frances strolls to her heavenly reward.

Finally, it's Sister Mary Elizabeth's turn: Saint Peter says, "You see how easy this is. A mere formality. What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

Sister Mary Elizabeth is stunned. The eternal fate of her soul hangs in the lurch and she doesn't haven't a clue. Thoughts are racing through her head. Her heart's pounding as if she were an Arthur Anderson executive. Finally she mumbles "That's a hard one" Da da da da da da. The Pearly Gates swing wide and Sister May Louise strolls to her heavenly reward.

***

For most of the 1980s I was a parishioner at St. Frances de Sales Cathedral Parish in Oakland, California. In 1985 we needed to choose a new pastor and here's what the search committee came up with...

The following candidates were interviewed. Only one shows real promise.

Noah: A good preacher, with 120 years' experience, but no converts.

Moses: A speech impediment causes him to stutter. His former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial matters.

Abraham: As soon as hard times arrive, he flees to Egypt. When he gets into trouble with local authorities, he tries to lie his way out.

David: Has major character flaws. Among them, David is a peeping Tom who arranges political assassination to facilitate enactment of lust. However, he is has a way with words and is good with music ministry.

Solomon: A good reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah: Proven to be inconsistent and folds under pressure.

Hosea: His family life is a mess. He's divorced and remarried to the same woman, a known prostitute.

Jeremiah: An alarmist --- unable to control his emotions.

John: He lacks the ability to compromise, and dresses like a hippie. Upright members of the community question his fondness for leaning on his master's chest while reclining at meals.

Peter: Has a temper, and publicly denies the Truth when self-interest is at stake.

Paul: He preaches too long and is overly demanding in his moral expectations.

Timothy: Too young for the position.

Jesus: He revels in the company of low-lifes, prostitutes and traitors. He routinely fails to wash before eating. He offends church members, excoriating their self-certainty while recommending self-scrutiny. He seems to delight in controversy and asks too many pointed questions.

Fortunately, one candidate has promising qualifications on every score.

His name is Judas. He's very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, criticizes those who obsess over Truth and Justice, and, perhaps most importantly, dresses well.

***

A BRAVE COWBOY

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hill out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the living $%&@ out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?" he asked.

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Steven Wright:

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

Why does phonetics start with an "F"

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I also wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose."

"I watched the Indianapolis 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."

"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive yesterday, but only for a second."

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."

If it's zero degrees outside today -- and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow -- how cold is it going to be?

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak might be thinking something else up.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row." Steven Wright

I collect sea shells. In fact, I have the world's largest collection. Maybe you've seen it. I keep it scattered all over the beaches of the world.

I also collect very rare photographs. One is of Norman Rockwell beating-up a child. Another, is of Houdini locking his keys in his car.

Today, I woke-up and everything in my house had been stolen and replaced by an exact replica.

I can understand people who are afraid of heights! I'm afraid of widths!

I changed my answering machine so my message is a busy signal.

For fast relief, try slowing down

When I got pulled over for not going through a green light, the Judge asked what my plea was. I said, "Do you know what time it is? He said, "No." I said, "Okay, no further questions."

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you eat pasta and antipasto, will you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots always wear helmets?

Or bringing it closer to home, are we really gonna lose weight by eating all those eclairs and then wash 'em down with diet soda?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree, surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what's it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!

(Story about light switch and letter from Germany.)

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.

I'd like everyone to take a mouthful of your preferred beverage and hold it in your mouth. Now Consider this: If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Since most car accidents occur within two miles of home, should I move to Efland.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.

No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

***

Others:

The Swiss have an interesting army. 500 years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on buddy, let's go. You get past me and the guy behind, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here. Jerry Seinfeld

A battered doe stumbles into a forest clearing muttering "I'll never do that again for two bucks."

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was fungi.

Why did the fungi leave the party?

Because there wasn't mushroom.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "Did you know that a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I've gotta kill you too." Jake Johannsen

I think I know how Chicago got started. A bunch o' guys from New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."

I get home and the phone's ringing. I pick it up and say 'Who's speaking please?" And a voice says "You are."

Apparently one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Why to they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?

I went into McDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Why is it when we talk to God, we're praying --- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. Paul Rodriguez

"Football combines the worst elements of America: Mass violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Dwight Eisenhower (?)

Ike also defined an "atheist as somebody who can watch a Notre Dame, SMU game and not care who wins."

***

C. S. LEWIS

"There are two kinds of people in the world; those who say to God, 'Thy will be done', and those to whom God says, 'Go ahead, then, have it your way'." C. S. Lewis

There seems no plan because it's all plan. There seems no center because it's all center. C. S. Lewis

***

You might be a teacher if...

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

***

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

DEAR ABBY: I've always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -- SAM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR Sam: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY, I was married to Bill for three months and didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

And this one from Ann Landers "The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."

***

Odds and Sods:

More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones. St. Teresa of Avila.

Oscar Wilde:

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

Monogamy is the same.

Reportedly, "I am." is the shortest sentence in the English language. How is it, then, that "I do," is the longest sentence?

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

If a man speaks in a forest and no woman hears him.... is he still wrong?

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and they've bought jewelry.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway while it's still snowing.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight,

amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered....

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just don't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.95."

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

There're two kinds of people in this world: those who divide the world into two kinds and those who don't.

There're three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

"At forty I would have settled for a beautiful woman. At fifty five I would have settled for a great meal. Now that I'm seventy I'd settle for a good bowel movement."

When I was working in Nicaragua in the late '80s, I asked my friend, Ed Myer, what he'd do differently if he had created the world. Without missing a beat, he said: "I'd make sex less fun."

On the other hand, country singer, Loretta Lynn has this to say about the female body: "Really! That little dealybob is too far away from the hole. It should be built right in."

Oscar Wilde: The horror is we get what we want.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Be nice to your kids... They'll pick out your nursing home

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

You got to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Commencement Address by Meryl Streep: "You have been told that Real Life is not like college, and you have been correctly informed. Real Life is more like high school."

I think, therefore I'm over-qualified.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. Lily Tomlin

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

This bit is from Mark Twain Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in front?

Dorothy Canfield Fisher, American author and essayist (1879-1958).

If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two weeks' vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days.''

Ever wonder about all those people who want to live forever, but can't figure out what to do with a Sunday afternoon?

"Thou shall not kill." "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Don't eat pork." I'm sorry, what was that last one? "Don't eat pork. God has spoken." Is that the word of God ,or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

Jon Stewart

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" John Mendoza

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I didn't even know he was missing." Bob Saget

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect by just standing up really fast." Johnathan Katz

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If your voting could really change things, Congress would make it illegal.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

***

Bumper stickers:

Vegetables aren't food

Vegetables are what food eats.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Cats... the other white meat.

I love cats. Let's exchange recipes.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The Labor Movement: The people who brought you the weekend.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Tell me. "Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?"

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Keep honking while I re-load.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Lord save me from your followers.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a jerk.

200,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Ever think you're depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Save your breath buddy... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

***

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the trut--- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally --- but I didn't want to upset him.

***

APHORISMS

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Or, as Mayor Richard Dailey said after the riots at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago: "The police are not here to create violence. There hear to maintain it."

As one neuro-psychology professor put it: "The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":

1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

For example, a camel is a horse designed by committee.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there's no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When Quentin Crisp told an assemblage in Northern Ireland that he was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics - or the God of the Protestants - in whom you don't believe?"

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right. Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

There was a rather prudish woman in British Parliament. One day, as the Prime Minister passed by, she shouted out: "Mr. Churchill, you're nothing but a drunk." To which Churchill responded: "I may be a drunk madam. But, tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson

I've already got a strategy for greeting my daughter's future dates: "I've got a gun. I've got a shovel. And I know how to use 'em both."

Old Farmer's Almanac - Don't be too concerned about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

As we age, our sins are no longer sins of lust but sins of despair. Paul Piers Reed

Sigmund Freud observed: What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

***

Here are some takes on how Southerners view their Yankee cousins.

YOU MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce."

4. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

5. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

6. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

7. You'ld rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

8. More than two generations of your family have been

kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

9. You'd rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to

get his own TV fishing show.

10. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all,"

you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

11. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

12. You've never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

13. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

14. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

15. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

16. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

17. You call binoculars opera glasses.

18. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

19. You don't know anyone with at least two first names --- Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice

20.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

21. You can do your laundry without quarters.

22. None of your fur coats are homegrown.

***

Trappist monks are Catholic clergy who adhere to one of the strictest rules of community life. Once a fellow entered a Trappist monastery, and - according to his vow of silence - was permitted to say one word every ten years. At the end of the first decade, he met with the Abbot and said: "I." Another ten years goes by and he says to the Abbot, "want." Finally the monk's 30th anniversary rolls around and he says to the Abbot, "out!" The Abbot turns to him and says, "You know, you've been complaining since you got here."

***

As many of you know, the Jesuits are Catholic priests renowned for their intellectual astuteness. The word "jesuitical" has entered the English language to mean "crafty, sly, intriguing, using subtle or over-subtle reasoning." Anyhow, a Jesuit asks a humble Franciscan friar over for dinner one night, and when he serves the food, he places a tiny portion of fish on the friar's plate and a huge portion on his own. The Franciscan is stunned, and despite his better judgement speaks up: "Father, if you'd come to my home, I'd have given you the larger piece and kept the smaller for myself." The Jesuit looks the friar in the eye and says: "Well, that's exactly what you got. Why are you complaining?"

***

A Unitarian is someone who believes that - at most - there is one God.

***

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

***

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about my favorite uncle's last words: "A truck!"

Remember: All generalizations are false.

The world is divided into people who think they're right.

He who laughs, lasts.

***

HINDU WOMEN

Finally, someone has cleared this up for me….

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C., has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has

won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice!

MEN & WOMEN (Thanks to Miriam Wahl for the following material)

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand

her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE (A.A. This is superb!)

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

***

156 YEARS AGO

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today,

except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands

It's dark in here...

***

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her

lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there

already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here.

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350".

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father s ays to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go

outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...

that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the

father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the

door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.

***

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing

among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000

and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty

salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and

dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this

to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a

new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some

expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she

has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns

several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests

the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save

for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done

with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

(There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer heimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.)

***

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

***

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

A: They don't have enough time.

Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 200 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

A: Tthey don't stop to ask directions

Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

A: Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

***

Magic by Kevin James - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaxQRXY6XqY

Video send-up of Microsoft's Vista operating system - http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf?autostart=true&enablejs=true&feedurl=http://theblimp.blip.tv/rss&file=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/rss/flash/345491&showplayerpath=http://www.theblimp.blip.tv/scripts/flash/showplayer.swf

***

The following schticks are by George Carlin...

Americans are fucked. They've been bought off. And they come real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis and sneakers with lights in 'em. You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doofuses new gizmos."

They debated the NAFTA trade bill for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Any time you hear businessmen debating "which policy is better for Americans" don't bend over.

Shopping and buying - and getting and having - comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country, they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

Since childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown-ups, I think it makes a lot of sense to completely traumatize your children. Gets 'em ready for the real world.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.

Why do they call it raw sewage? Do some people really cook that stuff?

Traditional family values: genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

***

For more politcal humor...

http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/latenightjokes/http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/latenightjokes/

The Bartender's Joke of the Day: http://www.thebartend.com/JOTD/TodaysJoke.asp?JokeID=347

Jokes Galore: http://www.jokesgalore.com/

Jokes: http://www.jokes.com/